Sunday, November 9, 2008

The Spoon

For the past nearly 4 months my life has been in near constant turmoil. I was sick, I couldn't find work, I started a new job, I moved, I moved again, and I moved again. In that order. This last move was also my 8th since coming to L.A. and needless to say, I am completely and totally sick of moving. (also, pics of the new place and the last place I was will go up on Facebook soon for those interested)

But there are a couple of interesting things I've noticed with all this transience. Like how much stuff I've lost while moving, no matter how vigilant I am. Or how much better I got at moving every time I did it (last time took 1-2 hours). And of course with every new residence I become more aware of what kinds of situations make for a better home.

Yet just today it struck me how significant only one or two objects can be in a person's life. Most obvious to me is the rug that I bought a few years back. I've used it in almost every place I've lived since I've been here, and as soon as it has its place any room immediately feels more familiar and welcoming. It's not that the rug serves any important functional purpose - hardwood floors don't ever really bother me here (since it never really gets cold), - it's just nice to have something that is both quality and consistent amidst so much chaos.

Yesterday I also bought a very comfy chair. Given that I currently don't have a bed or a dresser, I'm sure this seems like a bit of a stupid purchase. But this chair gives me my own personal place for reading and thinking. Beds are for sleeping. Floors are uncomfortable. The rest of the house might be shared at any time. But this chair both makes my room more home-y, and gives me a second kind of privacy that I guess I value more than I thought I did. It gives me the privacy of thought and reflection away from the possible distractions and criticisms of other people (the first kind of privacy would be the privacy of sleeping without the possible distractions and criticisms of other people).

And then there is the spoon. The spoon is not mine - I accidentally and unknowingly brought it to my new residence in a dirty tuperware container that I forgot to clean after work one day. The spoon comes from the house with 11 people living in it. The house where I slept on the couch, where there is always drama for somebody (if not everybody) and always stress. The house where you never know what might happen and who you might dividing up sleeping space with. This is also the house in which if I feel the most unwelcome if I ever must stay the night. There is a kind of balance if I only ever visit - even if regularly. But once I must sleep there - even if I only sleep there- invariably something much more unwelcome will come my way.

So, the spoon, when I see it, makes me unhappy, almost as much as the rug or the chair make me happy or comfortable. When I see it I have visions of its owners tongue-lashing me for having "stolen" it. I see their annoyed, condescending faces. "WHY HAVEN'T YOU RETURNED THE SPOON, HEATHER?" it says. "ALL YOU EVER DO IS TAKE! YOU NEVER HELP ANYBODY YOU LEECH."

Ug. I really have to return that damn spoon.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I am sitting on the edge today. If I fall to one side, I will stay in California - or try. If I fall to the other I will return to Pennsylvania indefinitely. I have an interview at 7:30 in Burbank. If it goes well, I stay. If not, I am at the end of my rope.

This week will mark the end of 7 weeks without a job. It marks the end of the savings that I struggled so hard to earn up. At this point in time I don't have enough money to live here another month. Previously, I was determined to stay in LA, but just today I finally feel ready to give up.

For 9 1/2 months I was stucks. That was very trying. After 8 of those months I had to live with someone who was kind enough to put me up for free even though they couldn't really afford it. That was also very trying and difficult. For the first 10 months in LA I didn't have enough money to live on my own or be independent. But I put up with and I fought. Now, after 4 more months, I am giving up. The economy is taking a dive - things are even worse here in California. Banks are failing, firms are making layoffs, the government is dramatically cutting its worse pay and has put a hold on all new hires, the local schools have taken dramatic budget cuts, and now Hollywood is expecting an actor's strike on the tails of the winter's writer's strike. Only Silicon Valley still floats - and that's north quite a ways.

And then there's the last 7 weeks that I've been out of work: I was sick for 2 weeks and I had to see the doctor twice. Temp agencies can't find me work (too few jobs, too many resumes), I can't find myself work. My car battery needs replacing. My computer's power button breaks and needs replacing and I don't have my computer for a week and a half. I can't get internet at my apartment. Then the water pressure starts slowly dropping at the apartment. My roommates now want to kick me out because they don't think I can afford to live there anymore. I have another foot injury. I take refuge at my family's house but there's always drama what with 12+ people constantly in and out and the risk of bankruptcy on the horizon. I get a ticket because a headlight is out on my car and I can't figure out how to pay it. Desperate, I take a little job doing occasional labor for a local rental company, but it doesn't pay much and the hours are few and the job sucks. So I apply every chance I get to as many jobs as I can find, getting only a couple of interviews that are mostly very far away and not anything I'd be any good at.

So finally I followed a good lead on Monday and found a job I really want. But today I'm tired and more crap keeps going wrong. The water heater is now not working at my apartment - I may have to help pay for that if we need a new one. The toilet also broke this morning and won't flush. The air conditioner seems to have stopped working on my car. One of my cousins is literally selling food on the street to try to cover his expenses. Most of my clothes are old and not in great shape. I've gained weight, I'm not very healthy right now. There aren't very many places I can go for solace - everybody seems to have big problems.

Monday is the start of Ramandan. Monday will either be the start of a new job, or my last call to the temp agency. If I don't have an interview that goes well by next Wednesday, I'm getting shipped back to Pennsylvania. I still don't like that reality - but it doesn't look so bad anymore.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Facing East

When the sun comes up there is no hiding from it. Its insistently bright, strong rays flood every crack of every room, and the deck is no exception.

It has been a short night. Despair took several forms - a lonely couch stowed in the dirt under the concrete overhang of the pool above, open to the wild canyon. A wolf-like wild dog whose breath awakened me but passed me by before I could even glimpse his tail. A bed on wooden slabs. Memories of a worse evening - in a different time, in a different place, much colder and more shocking to the senses.

But even the smallest amount of sleep causes the weariness of the heart to fade. Faithful watchdog Debbie comes by to protect me from the unseen canyon interloper, and upon moving to the deck in the early hours my old, most faithful Los Angeles friend creeps, curling up next to me and purring.

Everything is a reminder of where I am. Beautiful shades just before dawn broken up by an anonymous swimmer's curved arm and a quiet splashing of water. The swimmer looks somewhat small, their skin overcast by the slowly rising sun behind them. Is it Charlie, that crazy kid? Swimming at 6:15 am? Eventually I realize that the methodical laps could only be those of Liz, a friend, renter, and med student, devotedly exercising before returning to school for the morning.

The morning is peaceful, only the slight sounds of air, bugs, birds, and a man-made stream. A police helicopter flies loudly, low overhead, passing the top of the mountain slowly - reminding me that I was right not to walk home last night. I open my eyes occasionally and see the large meditation tree, reaching up beautifully into the morning sky, some branches dead, others waving with the life. This is the tree I have enjoyed looking up at from the deck and the pool when idling, thinking about life. Soon, the whine of a not-too-distant drill shoots up from the canyon . And a fly buzzes around me, landing on the sweaty, dirty clothes that I'm still wearing from the night before, capoeira cordao spilling out of my blanket.

And the sun shines warmer. Sleep still beckons, but my blankets have become a burden. I must get up. In a house that faces east, I must get up.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you, the empty Nutella jar. I finished it off just now. But it only makes me feel slightly better.

For the past 3 weeks I was prescribed a diet in which I could eat no raw fruits or vegetables, no whole grains, no spices, and no chocolate. Can you imagine how much a diet like this sucks after about the 4th day? I have become a blubber butt.

I also have no job, despite working for a temp agency.

The weather has been hot and I've had cats harassing me late into the night. I get very little done, and seem to keep running into annoyances - Igot a flat tire; I got a "fix it ticket" for which I must navigate the complex and expensive LA DMV; I misplaced my ipod, an earring, a shirt (but found them); my contact prescription ran out; my car alarm stopped working; and just now my car battery seems to have died.

I guess these things are all just hurdles, really. But add them in to the mix about what really kinda gets me down in LA and it's kinda harsh. I don't fit here. It's hard even to enjoy lonliness. I have no where that feels like home and I can't find anyone who's very similar to me. Instead I look into the jarring face of constant differences - ones that people don't seem to like to overlook.


Anyway. I'm going to go sleep underneath the pool and probably cry since it's not really safe for me to walk home right now and do that...

Sunday, August 3, 2008

The view from Highland Park

Summary of the past 4 months: Got a job through a temp agency (see previous post), got a temporary new place to stay, got a car (big hassle, but I've got a nice one now -pics on Facebook), got a more permanent apartment, worked for 3 months, temp job ended, and I managed to save a little cash so I'm not totally desperate going on 3 weeks without work.

But I am bored. Hence I have been slowly taking care of the chores that I should have taken care of previously when life was too hectic: getting my CA driver's license, renewing my contact lenses, organizing my stuff, starting to study Portuguese again, and updating all of my online obligations. And there was also a little bit of a health dilemma, which I will only begin to be less handicapped by this coming Thursday. It's a crappy diet, what can I say (no raw fruits or veggies, no whole grains, spices, or chocolate).

It's strange how I tend to get less done when I don't have a job than when I do. I guess I just can't easily set up a pattern for myself that I feel any strong compulsion to follow. Consequently, I get easily derailed by things like soreness or crazy cats. I'm not exaggerating, there are two cats where I currently live and all night for the past two weeks one sits outside my room all night after about 3 am and meows. And it's meow literally sounds like it's saying "hello? Hellooooooo..." (only it's a car so it's more like "rero?"). And then sometimes it jumps and crashes into the window by my head.

Anyway, I have decided to focus my current life around traveling. My goal is to get up enough money, do the research, and take off for a little while. Ideally, I'd like to go on the Hajj, then, if possible, travel to Turkey and Portugal and hey, maybe even Spain. If I'm rich.

Sadly, however, I didn't realize that the Hajj is actually in very early December this year. I won't know for sure until I get another job, but I'm a little doubtful that I would be able to raise enough money to go anywhere by that time.

So I'm going to do my research. But for starters, the country possibilities are Brazil, Portugal/Spain, and Turkey. I would like to take a little excursion to Mexico also, if possible (ideally with friends and by car). But that's lower on the agenda, so if it costs any substantial amount of money, that one's getting delayed.

Another deadline I'm dealing with: I will likely need to find a new place to live after December.

And so, out of no where, an agenda and some guidlines. Finally, something to focus on.

Updates to follow, of course :)

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Good News!!!

I got a job!!

Ok, so a basic run down of the last couple of months: I've been living with Mary and Al, who are amazing, wonderful, fun, wise people, but who are also stressed out of their minds and in debt themselves. It has actually been a kind of escalating stress for the past few weeks, and I was getting pretty down about trying to find a job and a way to live. Other things: my foot problems may never really go away, I'm stressed out too, and I went to Santa Cruz for one wonderful week and came back and then life was like Hell for a week (last week).

So.

Very quickly (of course) life went from relatively bad to relatively good. Monday I called the Temp agency to ask if any work was available (as I did fruitlessly for 2 previous weeks). There was one request that my profile fit, so they sent over my resume. Tuesday they wanted to schedule an interview. Wednesday I interviewed. Thursday I started work. Voi-la.

I now work for a pretty large, international media company who work (seemingly) fundamentally with films, converting them from one form to another, as well as working on new technologies for media and subtitles, etc. All the technical stuff I guess.

Anyway, I'm training to be the IT secretary which, as uneventful as it might sound, seems to actually be a pretty nice job at this point. There's a very good balance of work, all of the employees are kind of chill and don't seem stressed (to me, at least in comparison to the people I've been living and working with since I've been in California), and amazingly the building has some Feng Shui - it's nice and clean, well-lit, natural feeling and well-designed. More amazingly, my commute is only 20 minutes one way and work doesn't start until 9 :)

Given all of this, I'm clinging to this job for my life. Those of you who know me would have figured this out: I've showed up early everyday and intend to continue doing so.

And there are a lot of things I'm looking foward to. I want to know how the company works, how they manage to keep all their workers so happy, what their others branches internationally do, etc. And of course I'm looking foward to getting enough money to have my own apartment and get my own car (although I'm afraid getting the car probably comes first, which is more expensive and annoying than the apartment). I'm looking foward to actually being able to plan things to make the most of them. Like knowing how much money I might be able to make, when I'm going to take vacation and what I can do between the two of those things. In fact, in my spare moments I actually like to calculate this stuff in my head (or sometimes on paper), figuring out all the possible numbers. This after my first 2 days of work.

Finally, since I got the job through the temp agency I have to wait 90 days before I find out whether the company will take me on as their own employee. Luckily it seems like there are good chances - the girl who was hired for this position before me (from the same temp agency)is now moving up to a different position. I've also heard that they really like taking their employees from the temp agency, as well as moving people up in rank when they can.

So.

Things are good :)

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Swork

My mom called the other day and I told her not to call back until after February 11 (my projected "end of work" date). I told her, "I don't really have much to say until then, everything is basically the same.

And I guess as far as our conversations go it is. What have I been up to? I wake, work, talk with Mary and Al, go to capoeira, and sleep. I hurt my toe so I can't even play in capoeira, let alone go out and run around anywhere.

Somehow I never think she'd be very interested in the things that interest me or catch my attention. Things like this cafe I'm in right now, "Swork." I looked it up, it's all locally owned and organic, etc etc. But I find it weird that somehow everybody walking on the street, waiting for the bus is hispanic, but everybody in this cafe (not including the one black girl and asian guy) is white. I can't remember the last public place I've been in that had such a high concentration of white people. It's not overpriced, actually I think the Starbucks across the street might be more expensive. But I don't think I've seen one hispanic person walk in here yet. It's like its got some sort of weird invisible yuppie sheild around it or something. Or maybe they got scared away by words like mochalattesworkuccino. I nearly was.

Anyway, since I'm staying with friends at the moment there's that familiar tension of imposing on people scraping to get by. I want to help them but what the hell, I'm still so helpless myself. I'm still hoping we can find a way to make it a mutually benefitial relationship - that maybe I can help them out in their business venture somehow. Ideas have come up (like training me in solar installation, which would be pretty cool), but they're so stressed I think I'll probably just have to be content helping out with technological things (like setting cell phone alarm clocks) for now.

So, god willing, if I actually do finish this job by the week of the 11th like I planned I'm going to take a little celebration vacation. I was hoping to go to an all-women's capoeira workshop weekend in Santa Barbara on the 15th (if my toe injury heals), and plans to take a short, probably very short, trip to Las Vegas are in the works.

And on a final, cute note: Mary and Al are like long lost relatives, maybe long lost parents. I told Mary I was thinking about visiting Las Vegas for a day by bus, then just have 5 hours in the city and come back. She was nervous about me taking a bus because of potentially bad company, and discouraged me because "spending so much time on a bus would just not be fun." See? I didn't need to tell my mom, Mary already gave me the same opinion.

So now I'm thinking about a stay at a hostel. :P Somehow I don't think that will make her opinion of the trip plan any better.

Friday, January 25, 2008

MLK Day

So.

I no longer live in the house on top of the mountain.

It was definitely going to happen eventually anyway, but tensions built up and, like they tend to do, sort of exploded at a random, unpredictable time. And I guess if you want to know exactly what happened, call me.


Anyway, I remember getting dressed that morning and thinking that I looked like a walking bruise (wearing purple, blue, brown and black). Maybe I was asking for it. I had also just posted pictures of the neighborhood on facebook so people could see where I lived. And after the initial faze of the blowout I was reading a message from a friend asking if I was "a student or working?" and couldn't figure out how to answer it because chances were that I was very quickly on my way to neither. 5 mintues and an eruption of an old argument later and I was packing.

Now I'm living out of a backpack again. But at least it seems like good company comes hand in hand with it. I'm staying with friends of the family that I've really loved and admired for some time, and who are really more wonderful and supportive than I can effectively give words to. And finally life seems to be moving on from the kind of awkward place that it's been stuck in for months. It's both a little scary and a little refreshing to be really improvising what I'm doing with my life. But I'm pretty happy about it.

And living a little more ghetto, too. Or hippie, whichever.