Sunday, June 7, 2009

The last thing I did tonight before leaving my Aunt's house was eat a salad. And it was good. And it didn't make my head spin like all the other bread and sugary food I had today. But now I can feel it still expanding slightly, aching in my stomach. And it reminds me of last July, when this whole health problem started.

It's been almost a year now, and life has changed in a lot of ways that are disappointing. I can't play capoeira anymore. I haven't felt like I've been in good health for many months. I always have to remember some kind of pill. And my finances are, at best, stable, at worst slip-sliding away.

But illness and lonliness - a difficult combination to say the least - have brought be "back to God", so to speak. And I feel that I've come to realize the things that really matter. I feel like I can see myself more clearly, and I have tons to be thankful for. I live in a beautiful, peaceful, cheap abode. I now have my own set of comfy furniture, and just enough clothing to skate by. I can afford decent food for myself, and I'm no longer dependent on any junk food.

I've finally kicked TV. I read now - and I learn a lot more. I'm thankful to have my job even though I kind of hate it. And I'm starting to find peace, even amidst the chaos of hormones and who knows what other physical ailments. I'm also finally getting to know the muslim community here and making progress in issues of faith - reading and learning and reciting and practicing. And just this week, I'm re-starting my piano skills - and my teaching skills. That's pretty exciting.

But today, amidst my crazy, dizzy brain fog, I realized that I don't love enough. I've only begun to appreciate what I have - I've never loved enough. And it's reflective in the way I treat others, the things I put out into the world, and the way I treat myself. Even as grateful as I feel now, I have to push myself to do nicer things - like make myself get enough, or bring nice snacks to a party, or compliment someone on something.

So there it is, my moment of zen admist hope for the future.

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